So, You are Marrying a Convert to Islam
I remember meeting my husband and painting a dream life. As I have stated in my videos before, my Pakistani family did not practice Islam with devotion as I grew up. We prioritized Friday prayers, Ramadan and nothing else, really. The idea that qawwali (specific type of spiritual songs) and naat (melodic, spoken poetry) was a form of worship – albeit a minor one and far from the religious truth as I later became convinced of – was lurking in my childhood. Spirituality was limited to occasional burst of imaan during auspicious nights and avoiding the words “gelatin” in the supermarket. Morning prayers seemed important only in Ramadan and somehow the entire idea of who Allah (God) is was mixed up with misunderstandings, folklore, and only the fear of the watchful eye above.
My heart was already seeking when I met my husband and its search only became intensified after he began to ask me about my beliefs. My thoughts drifted from “I know the answer is false, but why is it false?‘ to “am I Muslim who can stand before God and honestly say that ‘I tried my best?'” His questions slowly led to self reflection: Who is Allah, what is His chosen religion of humanity and what do I need to do in order to change myself to conform to it so my heart can find the peace it has been seeking? Our conversations always produced a spiritual high in me, that coveted imaan-boost, and it remained so until we were married. A short while after meeting him, I began painting my dream life: a devout husband whose heart radiated with the love of Allah (swt), with strong hands of protection and guidance on our future children, a house humming with Allah’s remembrance, and us walking hand in hand into Paradise to meet our Creator (may Allah make it so, Ameen).
Later I came to understand that visions are great for those who dream but self reflection is for those who want to make their dreams come true. While I was swaying with a paintbrush in hand, I was not doing anything to ensure the realization of those dreams for my married life. And not too surprisingly, although still lovingly, the reality would be much different.
If you are about to take out your canvas and a stack of paintbrushes for your dream life with a convert Muslim like I did, please hold off until you read this post. Let it be clear, however, of my love, happiness, and gratitude for my husband and our marriage. His strength is my strength, his vision is my vision, and our feet are always walking towards the same direction, alhumdulillah. I will be incomplete without him and I am sure he feels the same way. I am beyond pleased and undoubtedly grateful for our relationship and I can not wait to see what the future holds as we tread through this maze of life. In our past five years together, I have learned so much about the plight of converts. Today, however, I want to write about the plight of born-Muslims marrying converts – as far as my personal experience can relay – and the blessings in disguise they can bring.
To save you some time, I am limiting these to only five but please do feel comfortable sharing with me your outlook in the comments below.
1 . Changing Ramadan
This is perhaps the most surprising change and for me, one deserving of careful consideration. If your childhood was Pakistani like mine, then you probably know Ramadan was made with everyone waking up for sehri, the early-morning meal (sleepy heads and muttering words and all), ending with a sweet treat right before the timer for the fajr prayer went off. Dood jalebi people, I feel you. The late night was also brightened by TV programs playing Quranic recitations, hymns, and with the melodic fajr adhan concluding what they called the “morning transmission”. My beloved memories of Ramadan are during these times: My mom in the kitchen asking me to serve what she had laboriously made for us to eat while we were sleeping. Later on in the evening, the Iftar meal was simple but special to break the fast for the day. I was a pakora girl, always reaching for the fried onion and potato ones with a quick grab of the tamarind sauce. Yes, these are my fond memories cultivated by my parents who gained the love of it through their parents. None of it are experiences of a convert.
He never had someone waking him up for suhoor, he has no idea what dood jalebi is and he can not fathom hearing the fajr adhan playing on T.V. right after they finally stopped running the “CSI: Miami” marathon. After accepting Islam as his way of life, he probably set the alarm on his phone five minutes before to gulp down water and struggled to make the groggy fajr prayers. Most probably, his iftar was a medjool date at work and a dinner with coworkers. Ramadan for him has always been a day of fasting, void of tradition except for night prayers, if at all. He has celebrated Ramadan alone, he does not have a tradition that makes this month special for many Muslims. In the best case scenario, his Ramadan was whatever the closest mosque could provide – and if his situation was anything like my husband’s, then even that experience has been very lacking.
A blessing in disguise: You will get to create your traditions together. While it will be difficult for you to get the groove, as they say, during Ramadan by yourself, this will be an opportunity for you to remove the traditions which might contradict with the religion. And the fact that dood jalebi has zero health benefits, despite what the auntie on TV said. This will be time for you to figure out the rhythm of your marriage while celebrating Ramadan and find what it means to you in this unique circumstance. Give it a few years to finally cultivate your own tradition. It might not be ideal or what you wished it to be, but it will be something special if you start with having the intention of pleasing Allah (swt) alone.
2. Being an Outsider
If you have moved away after marriage and your mosque has changed, then be prepared to start fresh. One thing that converts routinely face is struggle to be accepted as a normal, day-to-day Muslim in the community. A shameful struggle for the rest of us, indeed, but a struggle regardless. I have never been able to fully understand what stops a person to getting to know someone else but now after being married to a person who does not look like a “typical” Muslim, I have experienced the brunt of that reaction.
Being a certain ethnicity acts like a token to get into the “in” crowd. It is as if your birthplace gives you special privileges where the uncles and the aunties can see you are trustworthy and understanding of their, at times erratic, behaviors. No, this is the complete antithesis of Islam and of the message brought to us by our Messenger (saw), but accepting that everyone is a sinner, no bigger than yourself, helps to get through that process. That in-crowd will no longer be your token to use and you are going to have to find an entrance through your own charm – not using your DNA to get the dinner invitation. And if you are anything like me, brimming with introvert pride and comfortable in your own bubble, this is going to be a difficult hill to climb.
The blessing in disguise: You get to choose your friends. As silly as this sounds, this is a true privilege. Those who have trouble accepting other cultures are probably not your cup of tea – seeing as you are dreaming about marrying a convert – so limited interaction with some people will be your gift. (insert fist bump here) Yes! That awkward couple who just moved in from a more diverse background, sitting on a table, uncertain of the language barriers and cultural baggage, will become your new best friend. That friendship is going to be beneficial for your marriage and for your personal development. This is the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s worth the trip. If that awkward couple is difficult to come by in your community, then it is possible to choose your tribe online where you can select influential friendships who will start you on a journey of self-improvement as a believer and an individual in a society (my Instagram friends, I’m talking about you, lovelies).
3. Playing the Life Coach
I have always wondered how Tony Robbins and his ilk do it – with thousands of people present in front them, they end up motivating them with their body language and speech, their impeccable delivery and precise vocabulary. Being a wife of a convert is like that, well, sort of anyway – without the killer suit and a six-figure salary.
While you grew up in an Islamic household, especially if in a practicing environment, you had plenty of opportunities to develop the motivation necessary to get through the iman-lows. Your siblings, families, or peers you chose in college helped to frame your understanding of being a Muslim through different phases of life. That experience of learning to schedule around prayers, of relying on Allah (swt), is something new for your convert beau if he has not been surrounded by Muslims. He did not have someone pushing him to move forward and he did not see a family member choosing to rely on Allah (swt) through their struggle. So who helps him when he is experiencing the inevitable iman-lows? You.
You will get to play the life coach, the deen coach, the alarm clock, the shiekh-impersonator, the researcher and the optimist – all while you are living the human experience of iman highs and lows yourself. When you do not want to pry open that Quran or play the educational video, you will begin to understand that if you don’t do so, the likelihood of it happening for him becomes even more slim. And a home where Allah (swt) is not worshipped and remembered is not a home at all. So it becomes your responsibility to cultivate that environment and maintain the enthusiasm through the ups and downs of the joys of faith.
The blessing in disguise: This is probably one of my most favorite blessings that arise from this challenge: Self Reliance. The ability to self-motivate and self-discipline is a great skill that develops if you are both searching to be close to Allah (swt). You will learn about the power of your actions compared to your words. Your waking up for fair prayer when he wants to sleep in will motivate him to do the same. Your recitation and memorization of Quran will instill the desire in him to memorize that one surah he forgot he was working on. You will find yourself wanting to lecture and push him towards success in this life and the next, but you will learn that once you plant yourself on that path, that will be the only motivation that will ultimately work. And in doing so, you will find the joy of getting closer to Allah (swt) and see the passion arise in his heart as well.
4. Dealing With the Culture Difference
If you did not expect this, then you are not doing a good job preparing for marriage! You are used to having baklava, he likes his flan. You can have mithai on Eid and call it a celebration, he can not comprehend your addiction to the sugar-laden monstrosity and cringes at the idea of swallowing it. You understand the difference between physical uncleanliness and najasa (spiritual impurity) and he has no idea what you are talking about because dirty is dirty is dirty. Conversations like this are going to happen. There will be differences in food – and the responsibility of making it – how will you do the shopping, who will do the budgeting, who will hold financial responsibility, and the list goes on and on. These ideas were concrete in your household stemming from a particular cultural practice, but now you have entered the big leagues and it’s time to make decisions.
You will learn more about yourself than you thought and you will get to master the art of translating the nuances of cultural practices that a subtitle of a drama can not convey. After a while, he will learn to just nod his head when you say that “we can not be doing any PDA in front of Ammi and Papa” when before he balked at the idea of not being able to hold hands as you walk towards their doors. Yes, cultural differences are going to be that pink elephant in the room. This challenge can only be taken on by a flexible person who is not attached to her cultural traditions.
The blessing in disguise: You will began to see where tradition separates from religion. At the end of the day, what brought you together lawfully in the eyes of Allah (swt) was Islam and the more you begin to study what that says, the more you can forego your cultural practices that either did not coincide with the religious practices or are such that leaving them will not be in violation of Islamic guidelines, the more easy you will find to adhere to Islamic tenants (they truly are very simple, friends). That one thing “we all used to do for that one night” is going to become irrelevant as it was not a religious practice, but a cultural one, and you both can skip that tradition in your married life. The ability to distinguish religion from culture, not only in an educational environment but also in practice, is such that does nothing but brings clarity to the mind and peace to the heart.
5. Meeting Expectations
You know when you go against the tide and do something drastic? Those around you begin to attach something to your name: their expectations. Since you did something (marrying someone outside of your culture) that your family is not used to, there are some people who are going to have an often unwelcome critical eye. At times, some members of your circle might even be waiting for you to fail so that they can stamp a red, in caps, underlined, and bolded “I-told-You-So” on that file and close it for their own offsprings. That is a tough baggage to carry.
Furthermore, there will be some expectations from your in-laws. They could be “educated” about Islam from the shiny screen in the living room where they see their daughter-in-law as an outsider or do not fully support their son’s decision to change his religion. In this case, you will have to manage their expectations by not only minding Allah’s laws in dealing justly with those around you, but also there may be a need to even exceed those expectations without comprising the tenants of Islam to formulate a better relationship.
If you are one of the ones who are blessed to have accepting in-laws, then you have the cultural gap to cross. They are used to their traditions which you may not be familiar with – like Christmas, or Three-Kings-Day, or Diwali- and treading carefully in these matters to not only offend them but respect them while not going against your own faith is a very fine rope to cross. This can be easier on some holidays and difficult on others. I feel it becomes even more difficult when a more serious matter is at hand, like death in family.
This point of meeting expectations is perhaps the most difficult task to juggle in a multi-cultural marriage. Knowing how to deal with such drastic difference of thoughts and beliefs is crucial so that your relationship with your husband will stay intact, as well as the fulfilling your duty as a Muslim to respect other belief systems while encouraging him to maintain ties of kinship.
The blessing in disguise: This beautiful verse of the Qur’an is often cited during nikah ceremonies:
O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted (49:13)
If done correctly, your attitude will be the fulfillment of the commands within this verse. And that is a beautiful thing. If we can, in our life, fulfill a single command of Allah with sincere intentions and efforts, it would be better for us than anything else. This is a very challenging aspect but nothing is difficult when Allah (swt) has given us guidance. The blessing, then, is the opportunity to build a refined character in dealing with differences of thought and action while maintaining integrity and fulfillment of Allah’s (swt) commands. Doing so only invites more blessings from Allah (swt) and a chance to get know Him and His creation in the most intimate way.
If you can not find yourself compromising and changing to meet the above challenges, marrying a convert is going to be a difficult road to travel. Although there are challenges, there is an abundance of beauty when people marry for the sake of Allah (swt), to become closer to Him (swt), and to foster and guide another human being towards Him (swt).
As for me, the journey has been a pleasurable one of acceptance, patience, education, and self-reflection. Would I do it all over again? Yes! Many times over without a doubt.
-S
