So She Told You About Infertility

SO SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT INFERTILITY

Imagine the scene: Your childhood friend is sitting across from you with one hand holding a steaming cup, the other twirling her ring on her finger.  Her eyes are looking towards you and then looking away, darting from one wall to the next, waiting for the words to begin bouncing on them again.  And you just heard something unexpected. She just said that despite it all, she and her husband are unable to have children.

What do you do?

Since I publicly shared my story this past January, there has been some revealing responses in my inbox.  It seems there are a growing number of silent couples who are going through the throws of infertility.  Some are struggling to have their first while others are waiting for the confirmation of adding yet another pair of puttering feet to their family. While I can not fully relate to those who are waiting to increase their family, I know too well about the disappointment of the pregnancy test denying the much-desired news of the first one.  In addition to the personal struggle, I am also aware of the public one – the incessant questions and the curious glances year after year in Eid parties.  Nothing is worst, though, than having the most trusted people in your life say the wrong thing at a very wrong time.

That is to say I speak from experience of the other side.  The side which is holding the cup of chai and waiting for my closest ally to break the silence after my revelation. Although I can not speak for everyone, I will attempt to help you maneuver this conversation in the best way I can.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

It is fair to assume that the best way to approach a conversation of trust is to not break it. She has chosen you to be among those who now know because she holds you at a level close to her heart.  You might be her best friend, or a family member.  Saying the wrong thing can close the door which she has pried open – something that is not common in our community yet.  Here are few words to avoid:

1. “DON’T GIVE UP! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT…”

It seems everyone knows that one “someone” who became pregnant after 10 years of trying to conceive.  While you may think you are giving your friend hope, you are not the first one to give an example of this mysterious person who very likely exists in every generation. She has also heard the story of that “someone” who patiently waited for years for the day when her duas would be answered with the blessing of a child.  Before she even thought of telling you, those stories of hope have most likely already crossed her mind.  She very likely had these conversations with her husband as they both tried to comfort each other.  She is coming to you not to hear the words of someone else’s miracle, but to hear the words of strength.  The reminders of that “someone” is telling her that she needs to keep trying to achieve something in order to be accepted.  What she needs to hear is that her worth is already enough. At least in front of you, if not to anyone else in her life, she is enough. You might be tempted to remind her of miracles and Allah’s unlimited ability to bless anyone in the way that He Wills.  All of that is undoubtedly true. But is it the right time?  We learn from Prophetic examples repeatedly that he (s) advised others in accordance with what they were capable of implementing and understanding in their current mindset.  People came to the Prophet Muhammad (s) for counsel because he listened to them, gave them hope, and strengthened their hearts.

2. “THIS IS HOW MY COUSIN GOT PREGNANT.”  

This is probably the second most common response I have personally received: People trying to give first hand accounts, some even explicit, as “tips” for conception.  All these responses do is make me think twice about sharing anything else with that person!  Maybe body positioning is not what is being sought for here.  Telling your friend what works for another person does not do anything to help in this case, rather, it does something worst.  It makes her feel that even after trying everything she personally knew and read, the fact that she was unable to conceive is her fault, that maybe she missed something.  This destructive thinking does immeasurable psychological damage.  It makes a person feel she is defective, as if the burden of things that are beyond her control in truth, is in fact on her shoulders. The only truth here is that it is Allah who gives the gift of children, and only He can control who goes through that journey. Even with scientific interventions, in the end it is Allah, neither the husband, nor the wife. You can rest assured that she is not going to come forward with more heartfelt discussions in the near future if you take this approach.

3. “RECITE THIS…”

Because this is touching on religious views, this one is especially difficult to talk about. You know of those community aunties who seem to have the perfect list of duas for everything? They are a great resource to have when you want to consult an encyclopedia of supplications and are short on time.  They are not the best resource for when you want someone to listen and understand.  If the first response to someone’s confidence after speaking about such a delicate issue is to list supplications, then a great disservice has been done to those very supplications as well as the person.

This brings me to the next section of this post:

WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY?

The above no-nos are great examples of what happens when a sister is not listening.  Here listening means: hearing, paying attention, understanding, empathizing.  When your friend is speaking, focus on her emotions:

What is she looking for?

Does she want you to tell her what to do next?

Is she wanting to share her frustrations and anger with someone?

Is she approaching her story with confidence and inner strength?

Did you catch the key response?  “Listen.” Once you understand her emotions while she is speaking, then you can properly form a response.  If she is confident and is sharing her story with you, then be her cheerleader.  Hold her up on a pedestal, tell her that her strength in this challenging situation is admirable because it is.
If she is looking for kindness, a listening ear, while she vents her sadness and frustration, then be that for her.  Nod when she is speaking, give her a shoulder to cry on, be angry alongside her.  Mimicking her emotions will make her feel heard and less alone.  Most importantly, let her know that you are always there for her.

If she is looking for advise, ask yourself if you are qualified.  The last thing you want to tell her is about that one video you watched on Facebook where this miracle fruit was solving everyone’s problems, from diabetes to solving murder.  Instead, share with her what you know and encourage her to seek medical counseling outside of her immediate family and friends, if she has not already done so.  Maybe what she is looking for is for someone to push her towards a direction.  The topic of infertility can be a very taboo one for some, and many times the woman is not comfortable speaking of it with her family and in-laws.  You can be that person who encourages her to seek out other options and get additional medical intervention.  A lot of the times, if she does choose to speak with her close family members, they might even be providing her with harmful tips.  This is your chance to remind her that she is strong for taking matters into her hands and seeking alternatives.

In short, your friend wants to hear that she is complete, whole, strong, courageous just as she is now.  If she ends up having children in the future, she is amazing.  If she does not, she is still amazing.  Our society can put an immeasurable amount of pressure on a woman to conceive.  That pressure can be very frustrating and exhausting.  Please be the person who listens to her, understands her emotions, and provides a response that she is looking for.  Refrain from saying harmful things listed above, rather focus on being a support and strength for her.  This will only deepen your relationship and help you gain a lifelong friend.

-S