My Story with Depression

This is a topic that I have only discussed with a close few people.  The reason behind that is very simple: Depression is a very personal thing.  If not shared with the right person, then it can be grossly misunderstood and mishandled.  I experience it differently from other people and for a long time, I did not understand why I was experiencing it to begin with. 

My biggest bout of it came during my college years when I was loaded with an exorbitant amount of stress unrelated to my education at the time.  That stress effected me in more ways than one –  I am convinced that it was a big precursor to my current diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  It effected me to the point that I still shiver at the thought and urge everyone who I have any influence over to manage their stress properly or remove themselves from a stressful situation because the aftermath of that never truly ends.

I remember staying awake throughout the night, unable to fall asleep, with headphones in my ears blasting to music which I thought would help.  I remember dreading to wake up in the morning whenever I did manage to fall asleep.  I remember stopping for a moment in front of my bedroom door and “fixing” my face so that no one would know.  I remember going to my doctor’s office and listing my symptoms without saying the word “depression” because I was so ashamed.  That lead to my so-called doctor giving me a diagnosis and medication for anxiety which she attributed to my university life and also me self diagnosing myself as “some psychology students do.”  Needless to say I took the medication for a few days, it would quickly put me to sleep, and then stopped and never went to her again. The most harmful thing for me, however, was how I struggled with spirituality.

That time was filled with lots of hidden emotions, shame, anger, mistrust, and just… misery.  One thing that I wish that had now entered into my mentality was shame when this is something thousands of people go through. I was simply just one of them. 

After I was over that period of stress and surviving one of the toughest seasons of my life, some days would creep up where the similar emotions would rear their heads again.  I did not understand it.  That stress was not part of my life anymore and yet I would deal with the same dark emotions randomly.  It did not make sense at all.  

And then one day I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s (Hashi’s).  It all just made sense.  Depression is one of the symptoms of this disease.  Although that situation pushed forward my depression all those years ago, it still visited me from time to time due to Hashi’s.  

With my hypothyroidism, I have days with extremely low amount of energy.  Those days have a lot of similarity to those plagued by depression but there is a key thing missing: Emotions.  I don’t have the dark cloud over me.  My sadness and frustration is associated with the fact that I can not do the things that need to be done.  When I am depressed in addition to having low energy is when the most unwelcome situation arises.  What I want to stress is that the distinction is clear although some symptoms are the same.  

The “dark cloud” that depression is so often called is a fitting description.  It casts a shadow over everything, constantly reminding me of its presence.  It is coupled with negative self talk, a lot of sporadic sighs and quiet moments.  

After having dealt with the worst part during my college years, I have learned what helps me get through those times and what works for me.  That post is for yet another day but I will say this: Just as the mind has the ability to create these emotions, it also has the ability to counter them.  It just takes a lot of self love which depression tends to hide amidst all of those negative emotions.

Maybe if I had not associated shame and guilt to my depression, maybe if I had learned to manage my stress more efficiently, maybe if I had gotten some professional therapeutic help, maybe if I had done things that put myself first, and maybe if I had relied on my inner strength to get through the difficulties more, I would not be in a position where every day is a battle ground for some reason or another.  

If you are reading this and seeing how you also feel the same, then this is what I have to say to you: Tell someone you trust who has the best intentions for you, seek out therapy – even if it has to be a secret because your family still hasn’t learned about mental health realities, do something daily as an act of self love, and know that you do have what it takes to get through it because Allah has given you the strength even if it feels like it is not there.  Please, for the sake of yourself, do something to help yourself through this or it may end up effecting the rest of your life just like it did mine.