Issue 015: Lessons From My Teacher

In this Letter: Gems from Residency, My Lessons, Current Reads

Assalam o Alaikum friend,

I was a happy introvert in a large group.  How is that possible?  At the end of August, I flew over the clouds, zoomed through airports to catch connecting flights, and landed in the largest hotel I have ever been in to sit with a group of same 18 people for four days out of a thousand.  Those 18 people, as diverse as they were from different backgrounds and belief systems, shared one commonality with me: They were all students of Marriage and Family Therapy.  We all had our own reasons to be in this field. What could have been a pretty awkward first meeting was masterfully handled by a well experienced, 70+ year old therapist and faculty member who used his group therapy skills to lead us to become so comfortable with each other that even the most introverted of us (my hand is raised) felt like we belonged.

It was amazing and today I want to share with you some of the gems he shared which I thought were applicable to all walks of life.  He was a perfect guide and I went from feeling overwhelmed with what we were learning, thinking that I was the worst in the room and whether I should even be a therapist, to considering the possibility that I may actually have what it takes to make it.  

• 01 // Giving up to gain

Dr. George Pate addressed this topic in the beginning of our experience together and it was an important recognition of what it takes to achieve something.  Giving up some things, even if temporarily, in order to make room for what you want is an important sacrifice.  Adding onto the plate without removing something from it will only result in unsavory combinations.  Thinking of it from a spiritual lens, some practices we may want to add in our lives might be difficult because we have not removed what is opposing it. 

• 02 // What are our best hopes

He presented the following question as his preferred opening for sessions which allowed for a more positive, hopeful conversation rather than a problem riddled one: What are your best hopes for the conversation today?  Have you considered that in your life? “What are my best hopes in this moment?”  “What are my best hopes from this interaction?” “What are my best hopes for the day?”  Combine that with a sincere dua to achieve it, and you are aligning yourself to a pathway that leads to more fulfillment.

• 03 // Let me know when you have calmed down and how you did it

The resource is within you.  This question was posed in a situation where a child was experiencing tantrums and how the child can be directed to seek for resources within.  You see, you have what it takes within you.  Allah ﷻ has given us the tools, we just need to hone in on it sometimes with reflections or, if needed, an outsider perspective.  When going through a situation that challenged you, notice when you have gone through it and reflect how you did it.  You might be surprised at your own resourcefulness and the awareness will give you a skill to put in your toolbox for next time.

• 04 // Center yourself between sessions

A therapist has ethical standards which center the client’s wellbeing. It requires the person to be present, maintain confidentiality, and remain curious about the current client.  Centering yourself between the sessions is an important way to “start fresh” each time.  Center yourself.  Do deep breaths. Be present in the moment. Recognize where you and what the situation requires of you and then give it your all.  It is tempting to jump from one thing to the next but it risks the loss of self. 

• 05 // Cultivate an unrelenting optimism

A certain theory in family therapy, Narrative Family Therapy, focuses heavily on optimism.  You have to believe that your client will overcome the presenting concern.  You believe it wholeheartedly and you believe it truly.  The therapist’s optimism seeps into the client, creates an environment of hope, and results in seeking the breakthroughs.  Do you have it for yourself and your situation?  As believers, we know that as long as we strive and maintain our relationship with Allah by fulfilling the obligations, Allah will help us find a way.  That is unrelenting optimism.  Making it a way of being is powerful.

• 06 // Parents raise children. Peers raise adolescents

Dr. Pate even mentioned that the peer group is the higher power that we organize our life around.  Thinking of our children and ourselves, the influence of the peer group is strong.  The change can come from those who surround us and the change might be being prevented by those around us. It is imperative that we play close attention to our relationships.

• 07 // What is the next right thing to do?

This was perhaps one of the most powerful questions for me, personally.  You can be caught up in the most difficult of situations where your morality, ethics, and beliefs might have been compromised.  Or you may find yourself in a situation which feels like a trap and you can not see the way out.  Ask yourself, “What is the next right thing to do?.”  This question is common in the addiction and recovery field but is a great one to help us make the next move.

• 08 // “Sometimes we think we are pulled from the past.  I’d like to think that we are pulled to the future with hope.”

Hope is the driving force.  Is this statement not true?  The possibilities of future changes, of future growth, of future fulfillment is what keeps us going.  And if we can imagine a conversation with our best version of the future self, then we will recognize that what we gain right now is a stepping stone into becoming that person.  Be pulled with hope.

This book accompanied me on the plane.  I held back tears, chuckled, felt moved and all sorts of emotions. It had a surprising beginning (younger readers not recommended) and it grew into a wonderful story about, dare I say, the best cat ever. Read my review here. Purchase it on Amazon.

Currently Reading

My Lessons

I just want to take a few moments to quickly jot down some lessons that I learned from this residency:

• Therapy is client led.  Clients choose the topic and we are merely walking with the client.
• Listening is a difficult skill but it makes a world of a difference.
• Questions are powerful and can be interventions.
• Practice makes perfect. Really. 
• Throw yourself into something new and soak it all in. 
• As a classmate said, “Don’t underestimate a situation” when dealing with another person’s choices.
• Be a student.
• Communicate expectations and anticipate conflict by planning on how to address it. 
• L. I. S. T. E. N.
• Hold a nonjudgmental space. Always.
• Being heard and understood is sometimes all one needs.
• Silence is often the best “speech”.
• Learn from experts.
• Therapy is not advice.
• Always consider your safety.

Thank you for walking me through this reflective post, friend.  I will end with asking you a question that is modeled after Dr. Pate’s favorite one to ask at the end of his therapy sessions: What will you take with you today from this letter?

With love,

Samia