Changing Perspectives – Thriving in a Childless Life

How do you cope with not having children?

It is so difficult to not be able to expand our family. 

We have been trying for years and nothing has happened yet.

These are just some of the comments that I have heard from strangers and friends alike. I empathize and understand the struggles of those who are yearning to start a family or to expand it.  It is difficult to not be able to live out the life that we imagined us to have.  The world view that we create in our dreams makes it difficult to grasp the one that exists in reality.

The world becomes different with only a change of perspective.  This is why being a believer is so powerful since our perspective is moulded in a way that nothing can truly harm us should we consciously choose to hold onto Allah ﷻ over and over and over again. 

There was a time where I coped with having no children while now I thrive within that very life.  The most difficult transition was accepting this new, unexpected reality. When the realization hit me that me being able to conceive was more than just happenstance, I struggled with that adjustment.  The life that I had imagined had little feet puttering through the house and yet the life that was designed for me contained something else entirely.  That was a difficult beginning which eventually lead me to my current favorite reality. 

How can I tell you the beauty of a mind shift? Especially the shift that happens when heart finally rests upon trusting Allah ﷻ?  

Now that I look back through the almost-eight years of marriage, I can see the wisdom on why Allah ﷻ may have chosen this life for me, for us.  Today, I want to share with you why I feel not having children was the best decision made for me and my husband. It is important to state in this often dangerous world of the internet that these opinions are mine alone.  My opinions do not hold a bearing on any one else's life unless a person decides otherwise.  So do not decide that, my friend.  Let this perspective be mine alone and learn of another through someone else for that is the way of growth, empathy and understanding. With that being said, here are some ways that I have shifted my perspective to accept Divine Decree.

I have seen and read from some strong mamas who are powering through child rearing with chronic illnesses not much different than mine.  They deserves several pats on the back and a thoughtful gift like meal subscriptions, to be honest.  I can not imagine how my life would be if I also had to take care of raising little humans around me.  The days when fatigue hits are the days when I can barely feed myself.  Imagining how I would be getting up from the bed on someone else's command is something that I can not even begin to fathom.  Recently, I had another bout of an anxious episode during a flare up.  Imagining someone running to me because their toy broke while I am in that state fosters in me the worst of feelings.  The mothers who are championing through this with grace and dignity are those that deserve a round of applause.  I trust in Allah's wisdom and recognize that maybe, I would not have been able to carry that burden as beautiful as them and for that He spared me its exposure.

Over and over again I read in facebook groups and gatherings specific for law enforcement officer (LEO) families of the burden one parent carries while the other is donning a badge and putting his/her life on the line to protect the vulnerable.  Attending solo events, juggling the children's needs, and managing the entire house is something an LEO wife knows too well. I can not tell you how many things I have done by myself with much difficulty due to my husband's work life when four hands would have made the task much easier.  The added stress of not knowing if he would return in one piece after a day out is one thing that I do not wish upon anyone.  Add that on top of the Hashimoto's life and I am already saying words of praise and thanks to my Creator Who knows us more than we can know ourselves.  Perhaps, that would have been too much to handle for me and he alleviated that worry even before it began. 

Our life here on earth is strange.  It carries moments of unbridled happiness and then switches over to that of unprecedented sorrow.  In between, there are moments where the heart sits somewhere in between the two on a plane that stretches much wider than one would expect.  We have had to carry each other through several of these circumstances so far. Currently, familial tests are falling on both of our shoulders as we juggle separation between us to manage those stresses and coming together to breathe a sigh of relief.  Hamza has had to spend months away from me over the past couple of years due to such necessities and I can not imagine being able to do that with this much success if I had a few more hands reaching for mine all hours of the day.   I believe that the season of life that we are in right now would be very difficult to manage in that scenario.  Of course, combine the other two factors that I have shared earlier with this one and you have a recipe of disaster for someone like me.  Sure, some parents are managing all this and more while staying sane.  But you see, that's where the truth lies: They are given the burden as they can handle it.  They have strengths and they have weaknesses that are different from mine.  I need to trust in Allah ﷻ that He being my Creator handled my weaknesses and did not assign me a burden that was too difficult for me to carry. 

How can I not mention this one?  Our marriage is one of the most treasured blessings in my life.  The relationship we have is balanced - if one needs to lean on the other, the other is always ready to take the lead.  We have a friendship between us in addition to a marital relationship.  I can not help but wonder how that would have changed with the addition of kids.  Again, there are families doing wonderful in the scenario.  They grow as parents together and become much closer than they ever thought.  I am happy for them and cheer them on to an even happier future.  At the same time, I sit content on my side of the fence where I am grateful for exactly what I have without wanting for anything more.

You see, trusting in Allah ﷻ comes in different forms.  Each one of us have a very specific story that is specially written just for us.  The beauty is that it was always meant to end in our ultimate success.  Whether it does or not depends on us.  Should we only trust Him and begin to see the wisdom and blessings in our lives, then our perspective shifts from that of yearning for something that we were protected from to appreciating all of the doors that remained closed.

I hoped this post helped you see some ways in which changing your perspective by looking at the blessings in the given circumstance is not the only way forward but is the best way forward.  

-S