A Ramadan Without Fasting

Just last week, I tried my hand at making up the last of two missed fasts from the previous Ramadan one more time. I used to be able to fast those immediately after the month was over. Just after Eid, my suhoor alarm would ring, and I would wake right back up to make up those fasts. “I am a already in the routine,” I would say, “might as well stay with it.” Now, as I laid on the couch without having any energy for even the most basic tasks, I struggled with the idea of making up the last one.

I won’t be able to do it this time.

Just last year after having an incredibly difficult Ramadan since Hashimoto’s diagnoses, I played around with different ways that I could fast. I waited a day in between, then two days in between, then a few more but the result was consistent: My fasting day was void of energy. I would sit on the couch most of the day, not being able to take care of any of the things I am supposed to, and then barely be able to recover during the night. One day of fasting resulted in my body being in distress for days ahead.

The realization that fasting was not happening for me this year was a difficult one to handle. Waking up for suhoor, going about the day being constantly reminded of my Creator by active avoidance of food and drink is something that I have come to deeply love. Even while young, I remember waking up for suhoor with my family and not imagining a day where I won’t be fasting. It has been integral part of my life. Ramadan had become my favorite month of the year especially so for the past few years. The thought of not being able to do so this year hurt deeply.

The reality is that I do not know whether I would be able to do so at all. I have hope that my condition will improve and my body would allow me hours of not eating or drinking. Insha’Allah one day, I will return to those days again. For now, though, I had to come to terms with the idea of spending Ramadan not doing the key thing that we are told to do. Fasting is beloved to Allah (swt), the reward for which is known only to Him. He has allotted one door of paradise for those who fast for His Sake alone. It is a way to build character, to learn to control your emotions, to practice goodness in the most dire of circumstances, to still choose to fast in a community where doing anything is acceptable, to choose Allah over anything else, and to detach from the baser instincts for the sake of rising to meet our Lord. Fasting is a sign of a believer. It is so loved, that our Prophet (s) would voluntary fast throughout the year, an action that is emulated by those who seek nearness to Allah in this life and the next.

Fasting is integral to our faith. And yet here I am – a 32 year old unable to do just that.

Just this morning as I ruminated over Ramadan, its meaning and the role of all of those who are not able to fast this year, it finally hit me: the mercy of it, the leniency of it, the reason of it.

I am not fasting because Allah (swt) has allowed me, in His Mercy, to not have to do so due to my health. How miserable would my Ramadan be if I absolutely had to? My health would decline further, the house would not be maintained, my pet animals would be ignored, home cooked meals would not be on the dinner table, my lack of energy or motivation will effect my marriage, and my imaan would struggle with me not being able to seek out extra worship much less fulfill my obligations. Oh but this is an ease!

If I had to fast, it would throw me into a whirlwind of problems. Then is it not from the Most Generous that He has made a concession for those like me to still benefit from the month even while going through the test of our health?

Now that there are only a few days between now and when the moon would be sighted, I have to realign my thoughts towards making the most of Ramadan through prophetic traditions. This is the month when he (saw) would be the most generous. He (saw) would seek out those who needed any type of assistance. His companions (r) would invite people to break fast and would sit among those who were less fortunate. They would spend their nights in worship to strengthen their relationship with their Creator and the days looking for ways to help His Creation. They would give in charity much more than before and focus on their spirituality through the blessings of this month.

Keeping in mind my health limitations, I am thinking of how I can focus on taking advantage of the blessings of this month while being excused from the hardship of fasting. Through the extra deeds of increasing in charity and increase in worship, there are ways to still experience a transformative Ramadan.

And so, my sister, if you are struggling with the same thought where you are feeling deprived of fasting, understand that this is merely a change in pace. Allah in His Love and Mercy for you has allowed you to maintain your regular routine as you manage your health while still giving you blessings upon blessings in doing so. This is a month where no one is deprived of His Mercy except with their own choice. This is a month where you train your heart to seek His Pleasure through the aches and pains of your health condition. This is still a month of Mercy, of being saved from Hellfire, of being granted Paradise, of being given the gift of faith in this life. Let’s celebrate it to the best of our ability.