Don’t Forget Us, the Non-Mothers, Muslim Women

I am sitting on my linen sofa, with the scent of “Island Coconut” wafting from the candle through the living room, dimmed lights and an ascending moon, wondering which words to use in this post that can communicate my inner-most feelings about this sensitive topic.

Let me begin by outlining how we are forgotten:  Should we travel back to the khutbah we heard a while ago speaking about the virtues of the women? You know, that one where the speaker kept on encourage us to “respect our mothers” because Islam commands us to do so?  We were forgotten. The one where he was quoting a beautiful Hadith where the Prophet Muhammad (s) told us that “Paradise lies at the feet of the mothers.”  We were forgotten. And yes, the same one where husbands were being told to be gentle to their wives as when they come home from a long, hard day at work, their wives have been “working all day too, in serving and nurturing their children.”  We were, again, forgotten.

Are you catching my drift? Where are the women who are just wives.  How about those women who are finding their voices in the society with bodies that have failed to produce an offspring?  How about the women who have risen up day after day, visiting the doctor’s appointments week after week, only to learn that someone in the relationship is unable to carry their genes onto the future generation? How about the women who are just women – those who deserve respect, admiration for fighting through the thoughtless inquiries of the curious aunties who seem to want to know the genetic makeup of everyone involved in hopes of finding the cure for this “unfortunate circumstance.”

I am fully aware of the fact that the husbands in such a predicament also get mercilessly cornered by their relatives and “well-meaning” individuals in the community, but hear me out:  I am a woman, I can only speak from this perspective.   However, I give my props and fist bumps and knowing nods to those guys who are standing in the front rows in prayer only to be attacked by the uncles who want to know why they are not “grand parents yet” because their own grandchildren are chasing college degrees.  I am also aware of the well-meaning individuals who approach us – the non-parent couples – with care, concern and sympathy, I thank you for your concern.  Maybe a discussion of the “how’s” and “why’s” of such an encounter is meant for another time.

As the society progresses, it seems that more and more women in my circle have the same ungranted wish:  They wished to be mothers but Allah has intended another path for them.  Some of them are mentally struggling with the battle, they shrug off every pregnancy test that only succumbs to their weakening expectations.  They clasp their hands a little tighter when they see their siblings, friends, cousins, and role models shopping in the maternity section and picking up clothes to hang in their newly decorated “baby’s room.”  They go home, rest their foreheads on their husband’s shoulder, and unburden their heart and tears in silence.  Some, forlorn and struggling, find themselves face down in the pillow, hiding the sobs to bear the burden alone yet again this time.

And then there are those who have settled in their new role.  They began to find other paths with which to benefit the society.  Whether it is to peruse the world of social media or through searching for a career to reach their spiritual and worldly goals, they have found what drives them daily through the unending questions from family members and friends.  They can give the healing touch on the sobbing backs of their sisters whose hearts are still yearning for a child to love.  They can answer their questions and provide a perspective of strength, endurance, value, and courage.  They sit in the circles of their friends, share the stories of their journey of acceptance, marvel with grace and confidence at the value Allah has brought in their lives by not choosing a maternal path for them.  They bring about a sense of understanding of the issue of infertility, making waves in the community, answering the tough questions, and guiding those inquisitive aunties towards topics more worthy of attention.

What about us? We, who have stood next to our husbands, had the conversations with our families, submitted fully to Allah’s Will and found our calling in our given role.  Address us with confidence, ask with certainty, and look at us with equal admiration.  We are neither sad, nor battling the deep seas of depression, nor are we miserable.  We are content and happy that Allah has taken us through this journey Himself and we are grateful that he has chosen us for another purpose Himself. Indeed, all of us have a path suited for themselves, each of us have a valuable and important contribution in each one of our roles – that of a daughter, a wife, a mother, or of a  non-mother.

As you come up with your next speech in front of an audience, or prepare to speak to your daughter on marriage, and sharing the beautiful Hadith about motherhood, remind her that women are dignified and honored by Allah, whether they become mothers or not.  Compose words of hope and renewal to the sisters who have yet to reach that stage of acceptance.  Remind them that Hawa (r) was first a woman, created as an equal partner to Adam (a) to dwell in the gardens of paradise before she was given the responsibility to raise humanity.  That she is, above all, a women created with love and purpose by the One Created All.

– S